February 8, 2013
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The Family With No Hugs
My father never hugged me. I don’t know why.
My dad was an orphan at a very young age. His mother died giving birth to a daughter and his “Da” died of Hodgkin’s disease when my father was ten years old. He and his sister were taken in by his mother’s sister. This aunt and her husband doted on my father’s sister, dressed her in new clothes and spent hours parading her around the parks. They barely tolerated my dad, dressed him in hand-me-downs and he was sent off to play in the parks by himself.
Sad, lonely and miserable, my dad ran away from the this uncaring home in New Jersey and set off to walk to Connecticut, where he knew he had other aunts and uncles from his father’s side. He prayed one would take him in. He was picked up by police within miles of his destination; a phone call to the aunt was made and she told them to deliver him to my father’s brother, who lived in Black Rock, Connecticut. His uncle Tom, took pity on him and gave him shelter. His uncle had no trouble convincing the aunt that my dad was better off with him; she gave no objections, at all.
My dad would often talk of his life with his Uncle Tom. Tom and his wife were childless so they adopted my dad a year later. He talked about the love and the respect he had for his new family and the joys of being raised with many other doting aunts and uncles. He talked little about his life before them.
My mother never hugged me. I don’t know why.
My Mom was raised in a middle income family in Fairfield, Connecticut. Her parents both worked hard to give my mom and her brother all they needed. But, her parents had an unhappy marriage. My Grandpop was a philanderer while my Nana suffered the humiliation and pain silently, they were Catholic and divorce was out of the question. My mom was brought up in a house filled with anger, resentment, and cold silences. My mom’s brother escaped into the Navy and my mom escaped into marriage as soon as she could.
My Mom and Dad met during the end of World War II, in a bar. They had been dating but a few short months when my mom became pregnant with my oldest brother. They married and went on to have four children; I was the third.
My father was an alcoholic, a funny lovable drunk, who showered my mom with presents when he came home from a long night of drinking. He had trouble keeping a job, so my mother was usually the main breadwinner in our house. We didn’t have much growing up but we kids had each other. But, my parents didn’t hug and we kids didn’t hug, and I don’t know why.
I’m getting older now and I look back at my childhood with a grownup eye. I realize that being brought up in a house with no hugs was the reason that I now hug everyone I love. My children would feel my love when I hugged them off to school or before they went to sleep. I treasured those hugs.
I’m with a man now that isn’t afraid to hug. We hug before one of us leaves the house and we hug when one returns. I feel complete when my arms are wrapped around a friend, my man or my kids and their families. I especially hug my granddaughter, and with each hug I tell her how much I love her. I now give and get all the hugs I never got growing up.
But, I still feel sad that my family never hugged me. And, I don’t know why.
Comments (27)
We didn’t hug either. My parents divorced when I was probably just shy of 3. My stepfather was abusive and my mother never hugged. When I would go to my real dad’s house for a visit he would give me these long squeezy hugs. It took me years to be comfortable with it. I didn’t understand it because no one at home did that.
I hug my kids all the time. I think, like you, I just want them to feel loved.
My family never ever said “I love you.” I say it to my kids every chance I get. My family hugged but I didn’t participate much (although one of my sisters says she needed a lot more affection than she got when she was little). I hug my kids a lot, and my wife, and I hug other people who are good friends. Some of it is a generational thing. That WW2 generation was not expressive.
I’m not sure if my folks had people who hugged. Dad’s gone and Mom’s 91 with dementia so I can’t ask, but I think they were the first generation of huggers. I know because my mother isn’t confortable with hugging like I am. I have to tell her to put her arms around me know. “I want t feel your hug Mom, I say. I hug my children and always will. I hug my friends and alway will. Heck, I hug new people after becoming friends over fine conversation at a dinner. I even hug online. HUGS!
My father love to hug his kids and those whom he loves and respect. But my mother finds it pretty difficult to express hugging with anyone and she hugs ONLY her kids when they are small. When they are older, she hugs them less. I was fortunate enough to have her hugging me all the time she had me in her arms and I felt that she is closer to me than the other siblings. Could be because I was the youngest and she felt I am more the baby than the others. Well, who knows what is the mind of a mother like her who was raised in a hard time with a hard parents to grow up with. Her own mother is not a hugger either and she is very strict with all her children as well. I can understand why my mother resent people hugging her and all that, until she met my father who seems to love to do hugging.
It was pretty an odd sight to see how my mother stays rigid when he hugs her and she does not know of how to respond back although all those years being married with him, she should know what sort of closeness means. But then still, my mother has some other ways to show her love to her children. And still, I am so grateful and so thankful that she hugged me all those years when I was young. I cherished that memory of her closer to me more than ever.
And you, dear! You shall get a GIANT HUG from me here too. hehe …
Happy Weekend then!
From what I’ve heard a lot of that generation weren’t huggers. I am much like you and wonder why. I hug my kids, my man, my friends. I even hug my mom but it’s like a chore for her it doesn’t come naturally. Kinda sad.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))
This seems so foreign to me. I hug my parents and vice versa all the time…I kissed them until I was probably 8 or 9…and every time I say bye, it’s started with “I love you”. I can’t imagine not living in a house like this.
It seems like it’s probably a little more hygienic from a communicable-disease standpoint. But, that’s probably the only advantage.
Thanks for reading!@aSeriesofFortunateEvents -
So sad but so true. Outward shows of emotion were often considered a weakness. I’m happy to be weak! Thanks for the rec!@Roadkill_Spatula -
It’s wonderful that your family had hugs. And how beautiful that you still have your mom in your life. My mom is 87 and also has dementia, but I am so glad she’s still on earth. My dad sadly passed, without a hug. Thanks for the rec and the hugs. I take all I can get!@Jaynebug -
And I shall treasure that hug! Thanks for the rec.@SherryAngeLMysteriez -
It was a different time and as @RoadkillSpatula mentioned, it was a different world. But, I’m happy that your house was filled with hugs.@wildchildofthebluemoon -
Hugs don’t spread disease, they spread love!
Thanks for reading.@TutelageOfTheMundane -
i like the idea of not hugging..my father hugged us or me only when he was drunk..so i imagine he was too shy when sober..and my mother was not a hugger herself..as a matter of fact she once pushed me when i made an attempt once as an adult..i dont hug my adult son..he told me recently i never thaught him so let’s not hug..i’m very comfortable with that..it is not an obligation..it depends on many circumstances…i’m glad you found your hugs…
i am sorry you were never hugged. hugs. my mom never hugged me either. she lost her own mom at the age of 5, which may have something to do with why she was never affectionate. she didn’t know how (and she had a lousy relationship with her stepmother)
I think my Mother was about 70 when she first hugged me. Awkwardly. I may have had a couple after that. My father never did.
hugs can be difficult for some people.
I’ll never forget once a friend of mine confronted her father on the subject. He said, I am afraid that I will think of something sexual.
I found this odd. It didn’t seem that he did, he never touched the children in any odd way. But the fear of possibly thinking something sexual kept him from hugging his children.
Strange?
Perhaps.
Hmmm… let me think of possible reasons not to hug… some are sad, some are stupid, inclusion in this list is not a claim that they have real merit, nor that any/all were present in your family…
(1) disgust over germs,(2) disgust over odours (some people have really bad breath, perspire too much, use too much perfume or greasy cream, or whatever).(3) some kids don’t know what is and isn’t contagious. Being expected to hug someone with a crooked back, some disfigurement, etc. could be scary, if you thought you might catch their ailment.(4) if you feel too little, then why bother?(5) if you feel too much, then why put up with the over-stimulation?(6) is it better to keep your distance and not get too close to others? does that protect you from being hurt by those who would betray you, or hurt when you’d be separated by the others? does that protect them from you?(7) is hugging only erotic/romantic? (and not familial or friendly)(8) will others perceive hugging as non-masculine/weak/effeminate/overly emotional?(9) some quit hugging so they don’t seem so dependent on their mothers, so they seem cooler.(10) is it creepy to hug children? some people work in professions where perceptions are really important, they could harm their reputation or their institution — refraining is easier than only selecting appropriate settings and circumstances.(11) bad past experiences — did someone get touched in a way that made them feel uncomfortable?(12) is it really real? if it is always done, does it become a meaningless ritual?(13) some people may feel self conscious that they don’t hug right (maybe they hold on too long or too short or maybe they were made fun of) or they may be concerned that a young, elderly, or handicapped person could be fragile and not want to hug them too hard.(14) the fear that by acknowledging affection you’ll somehow jinx it, or become too self-conscious of it, or weird it out, or otherwise destroy it.(15) the view that affection is so deep, that making it physical makes it too superficial or trivial. The loved one should realise how much they are loved. If true love is felt within and expressed best by loving actions, then what is the point of words and gestures? (16) the view that love isn’t really real, or that the two of you can never really experience it (maybe you’re damaged goods beyond repair)(17) the view that love is automatic in all families and relationships so it’s unnecessary/superfluous to express it.(18) the view that expressions of love can be highly manipulative, and thus the attempt to preserve “purity”.(19) lack of experience / cultural stigmas.(20) thought that oneself or the other person is not worthy of hugging,(21) planning to wait until more comfortable with the person, then by the time of a stronger relationship it seems awkward since it hasn’t been a part of the relationship,(22) the party could have major lust issues and may avoid hugging some people they are attracted to — either b/c they are afraid of being found out or afraid of what they might do. They may avoid hugging all others so it doesn’t draw attention to who they hug and don’t hug.(23) the person could have confused emotions — to a father, a daughter might resemble the wife at time of marriage — hugging a daughter can seem natural, but subconscious or projected romantic feelings for the wife may totally weird out the situation.(24) the love in a relationship could be gone, so that expressions would be dishonest and unnatural.(25) the person could be a ghost, holographic projection, alien, or whatever, and not want to be discovered since their corporeal form feels totally nonhuman.
In short, outward physical expressions of affection may or may not correlate with internal perceptions of closeness and affection.
Personally, I’m not much of a hugger, but I’m not really sure why not. I just don’t feel comfortable hugging most of the time. I don’t like getting my photo taken either. I don’t like being “fussed over” in general. I like “my space.”
I used to hug my mom a bunch when I was a kid and less now that I am older. I guess I hugged my dad occasionally, he wasn’t around as much so I’m not sure. My brother and I are pretty close and we still hug sometimes on occasion. I don’t remember ever hugging my sister. But we’re not really an emotionally open family. And I’m not a touchy-feely kind of person, so I don’t hug people outside the family unless they initiate it. And then it’s awkward.
well, here’s a xanga hug from me, or if it’s too awkward, a xanga high five
i guess some people just don’t express their affections like that…but I’m glad that you do for your family.
hey, i don’t know if this is the case but aren’t you in the New England part of the country? if so, i hope you haven’t gotten a power outage or anything like that. be safe!
Oh that’s so sad
*hug*
I love true stories with a happy ending!! I just wrote a blog about lack of hugs this week!! I love hugs and made sure my daughter had countless hugs. I married a man who loves hugs and touch, too.
I think ppl who don’t know the wonderful feeling of being hugged…are really missing out. How sad for them and how sorry I am for you , as a little girl, growing up without hugs.
You changed the hugless curse. Good for you!!!
til this day my family very rarely show affection for each other. dont know why. its just the way we were raised
@crankycaregiver - My parents were never really affectionate towards me. Then again, I have a deadbeat dad, who never visited or bought me anything, since the time I was born almost 31 years ago, and my mother has always been very cold. Well, at least she buys me things. LOL! However, love cannot be bought. We hug visiting relatives and friends though.
This is my stance on hugging. There’s nothing wrong with hugging, unless you’re hugging random strangers and possible employers. A few weeks ago on my local news, there was a job interviewer on TV talking about potential employees hugging the interviewers, before a job interview. They consider that very unprofessional, which I’d have to agree. As long as it’s somebody, who I’m familiar with like family, friends, and/boyfriend, I have no problem with hugging. Hugging random strangers is just creepy because you know nothing about them and you could possibly be hugging a closet serial killer or sociopath for all you know. LOL!
((Hugs))… moving post! Happy (and fortunate my parents were “huggers”) and thus, so am I… have “converted” many to hugs! ^..^
Thanks for sharing!
I don’t remember many hugs myself growing up. I do remember the last time I hugged my mom was Oct 21 2002 when my best friend passed away. But I don’t remember hugging her long before that either. I hug my son everyday
i too didn’t grow up in a family of hugs. and so now i’m not accustomed to the idea of hugging my own family members and friends. but i must admit hugs are addictive. i like getting hugged and don’t get enough. when i do, feels like the world seems to be a better place to live in.